I am so proud of you for sitting your essay, dyslexia hidden from the examiners. I am so proud of you for sitting it again when you failed. I am proud of you for standing up to appeal the decision to discontinue you on the course that you love and to come clean about your dyslexia.
I love your jokes, your bright outlook on life, your cheeriness. I love your hair, the way your eyes crinkle when your laugh, your kiss, your big hands. I love the way you take my bag off my shoulder, and go into your cleaning-frenzy at the most inconvenient moment. I love the way you’re so laid back and I love the way you’re so calm all the time. I love your hugs at night-time when you scoop me up and make me feel wanted.
I love you. I love you so much I share everything with you. All my hopes, fears, and dreams. But you don’t love me. I can tell in the way you lie to me. The way you told me you went to placement. The way you told me you were re-taking your essay now (not that you sat it 2 months ago). The way you said you’d do anything to get me back, but denied my single request. The way you said you’d start being reliable, then deciding at the last minute to abandon me and not come over. I could see it in your eyes when you looked at me and avoided my questions, and said you ‘didn’t know’ – when you did all along.
I’m glad I helped you get back in contact with your family after you lost your job and lied to me (and them) about it. I’m glad with my support you felt confident to get back up and find another one. I’m glad you enjoyed our days out that I organised. I’m glad I shared every detail about my mental health problems with you.
I’m glad you showed me that I shouldn’t be so trustworthy of people. I’m glad you showed me that my gut instinct is right, and that the one solitary time I check the dating site we met on – I find you online. I’m glad you so effortlessly demonstrated how little I mean to you after you said you’d fight to win me back (after second and third chances).
Yes, I make a very good companion. I am funny and loving, and when you treat me right and I think I am safe with you and that everything is going to be okay, our relationship is amazing. I don’t blame you for wanting me to stick around. But I’m not important enough. If I was, then you never would have risked it all by going back on the dating site. You would have kept your word about making the effort. None of this would have happened if you loved me.
I do love you. But it’s got to that crushing stage that the girl who suffers the most with chronic loneliness and fear of abandonment chooses the heartache of being alone over being with you, because you hurt me more.
You are a wonderful person, and deserve a wonderful person. Out of all the truths you told me – I wish you could have been honest and admitted it wasn’t me.