I’m a big believer in being in control of your own life, your own destiny, your own world – however you want to put it.
I am happy because I make choices in my life to be that way. I am sad because I choose it. I am, however, lucky enough to afford this choice. I have been born into a life where food, shelter and luxuries such as choosing the clothes you wear are commonplace. Perhaps you have too.
And yet, when I woke up this morning, and as I do many other mornings; I was consumed by grief, rage and self-loathing. Every morning brings a desire to be slaughtered in a new and imaginative way in order to numb the pain inside.
During these dark moments in my life, I am able to notice small bits of happiness around me which I cling on to, as I know this dark day, or week, or month, will pass. I’ve been happy before and I know I will be happy again. I simply need to choose it and implement it.
Four years ago I started another blog to record my choice to be happy again. I was newly married with such hope for the future. Since that time the marriage has ended, which felt like a death. I spent a year abroad, alone, in an extremely foreign country, and when I returned I had lost my closest friend.
So much has changed. I have felt myself slowly slip back into a skin I thought I had shed. My first blog was full of laughter, humour and joy. I can’t write like that now, but I hope as I start to put the pieces back together, that part of me will return.
I am the only change I can make. I have less hope now than ever before – but that’s enough right?