So in the aftermath of last night I didn’t get to sleep until 3.30 in the morning.

I didn’t go into work, luckily my boss was understanding and says I’d been looking quite down lately anyway. I let a colleague down by not going in. I’ve also text to skip my session working with some primary school kids after work too. My job secondment is up in about 7 weeks and I need to apply for new jobs to stay at the same pay rate, and to avoid returning to my old job which was majorly stressful and for less pay.

I don’t see how I can maintain a good working face like this. Sure, my boss understands why I’m off but I can’t tell my colleagues. I’ll have to say I couldn’t sleep all night. The old ‘bad back’ fail-safe will have to do. Not, ‘I kidnapped by boyfriend and drove for hours into the night’. People would think I was a complete psycho. And I am, in those moments. It terrifies me.

I guess I’m in hangover mode, like a hangover from a mental episode. Shame, grief, guilt, disgust.

I got my letter today to sign up for an assessment with the psychologist at the Community Mental Health Team. I also rang up this self-help institute and booked onto a few courses which my care-coordinator suggested. It still feels weird having a care-coordinator, like I don’t feel like I need one because I’m ‘normal’, apart from the 60% of my life which is in utter turmoil.

I guess we’re all just normal, broken people. When I thought I was on the real side of normal, I looked at those under mental health care in a different light. Like these people were just crazy and out-of-control, and under a totally different mindset altogether. But it’s not like that. I feel normal, but just with broken parts that keep inviting themselves into my life to fuck things up.

I want to get better.

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