So I made contact with the guy.
I am making good progress on myself. After spending the evening with a friend I decided to embark upon a small project to get my ‘editing’ juices flowing, and a little prep work for the business I want to eventually set up.
That being said, I hate not knowing where I stand, so I called him. He said he didn’t want to talk on the phone, only to text. I refused to engage in any conversation this way – it’s pointless. You want to talk? Pick up the phone or come and meet me.
Anyway, he eventually called, seemingly unphased by recent events. I let him know the ball is in his court. I said that I love him, and that I miss him. But I also said his behaviour is inconsistent and his unreliability is starting to wear painfully thin. It’s getting so close to the stage where I’d rather live with the constant ache of being alone, than be in a happy place, only to be shoved free-falling towards misery with no warning.
I can’t cope with all this let down, it’s just breaking my heart. I should have walked away the first time, but there’s this stupid little voice inside that won’t let things be until I’ve exhausted all options. Until I can finally walk away saying ‘I did everything I could – it’s not me’. The other option is if someone meets me halfway, but I’ve yet to see that.
So while my friends and family hold their loved ones close tonight, I’ll sleep alone and weigh up my options.
I’m not deluded, I don’t want massive declarations of love, I don’t want a walkway lit with sodding candles, I just want someone to scoop me up, tell me they love me and that they’ll always be here for me, and that everything is going to be okay.
Fuck sake I just want someone who loves me the way I love them. I’m seeing this shit everywhere – in my friends and in letters and texts people are sending one another.
I know what my flaws are, I know I’m not perfect, I know that in order for me to be a better person I need to go to counselling. It’s a bitter pill to swallow having this diagnosis, and I’m genuinely frightened by what’s in store for me. I don’t want this horrible label, but I’m gonna suck it up and get the fuck on with it. Give me your counselling, give me your meditation, give me your DBT, fuck it I’ll even try the meds again.
I have a care-coordinator for fuck sake! I can’t even coordinate my own sodding care. Talk about dysfunctional. I know other people have way worse problems, but I’m not gonna dwell on that because there will always be people in way better situations too. I don’t want to compare my life to others’, that’s a head-fuck. I just want to be the best I can be.
I also just want to be loved.