I am struggling a bit right now. Or, perhaps not, as I’ve the energy to sit and write a blog post. For me this is a me being myself for once and taking control.
I know I am struggling to be present. I’m struggling to eat well, to exercise, to stretch and to meditate. To be honest I am doing none of those things right now.
I am a stone and a half overweight. I’m stiff. My mind is a constant, ever-changing battlefield. I’m exhausted.
I’m 29, and have so far led quite a colourful life. To sum it up I didn’t have a great childhood – my Mother was completely detached and showed no love, only hatred and anger. I was severely depressed throughout my teens and then my best friend since childhood was murdered when we were 21. This opened my eyes and shook me out of depression. I soon after met my husband and started nursing at university, however halfway through my course a range of mental health issues presented themselves (PTSD, severe anxiety and depression) and so we moved out of area so I could get treatment. I didn’t graduate. My husband went away to work so I went to Vietnam to teach for a year. Due to my health problems and his newly-diagnosed Asperger’s, our marriage had been crumbling for some time and broke down irrevocably once we returned. I also lost a very close friend in the fallout too. My marriage ended late 2014 and I’m still crushed.
On the upside I’ve managed to hold down a job for the last 15 months, I live in a nice little shared house and have a boyfriend. Next year I should have enough money to buy a flat. After months of researching online in an attempt to drag myself out of my sorry state I stumbled upon Borderline Personality Disorder, which was like seeing my life written down for the first time. I don’t have an official diagnosis yet but just by reading the symptoms has lifted a lot of guilt off me and gives me so much hope that I can get better.
I started a blog before when I was diagnosed with the PTSD and anxiety to document my journey to recovery. It gave me peace and lots to do. I hope I can find that again.