I’ve spent 4 working days at home and very much NOT at work, having felt quite blue. For 3 months I have been my best self. No days off work, no episodes, and generally feeling like a functioning and happy person.
After having a think, I would say I can contribute the following to my happiness:
- The feeling of relief from leaving a toxic relationship
- Exercising and having a goal that kept me exercising several times a week
- Eating well and watching myself get fitter
- Spending quality time with friends and sharing my worries
- Getting to know a new person in my life
I read this list and bristle internally at the last bullet point. Having read up on BPD I always have a deep fear that my happiness only every truly stems from having a good relationship with someone, and that being in a relationship defines me in some way. I know it’s partly true. I thrive when I’m part of a happy couple, but I also worry that I rely on it for my self-worth.
If going to therapy and reading up on BPD has taught me anything, it’s that I need to source my happiness from a multitude of origins. I need to have my own goals and times with friends and hobbies of my own. I’m getting better with my goals and have exercised and eaten really well over the last 12 weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time with different friends, and I need to work on the hobby thing (as with fluctuating moods come fluctuating interests!)
So what went wrong? Another list!
- The 10k I had been training for for 10 weeks came and went, and I did it
- Nothing to train for = no more training = less exercise
- I think I’m really starting to like the boy a lot now, so I feel like I’ve lost a bit of power
- Disruption to my routine (weekend away on holiday)
I’d say the combination of the above has pretty much led to me being down. I’m not running anywhere near as much as I was when I was training, my general day-to-day routine was disrupted when the boy and I went away for a few days, and then on top of this I’m having stronger feelings for him.
I know I should have mentally prepped for going back to work after our holiday, but I was so wrapped up in our little romance that I didn’t allow myself the time . This has occurred again today – after a weekend at the boy’s place I didn’t come home last night (Sunday eve), instead opting to come home this morning. This gave me no time to prep physically and mentally for going back to work, so I fell into a slump and slept until midday. As crap as I feel about relapsing, I’m not going to beat myself up over it but score this as a win as I’ve identified a particular trigger, so in the future I’ll ensure I impose some ‘me’ time prior to work.
Identifying the ‘loss of control’ that comes with liking somebody is a new one for me, I’d usually just try and ride through it blindly not knowing why I was feeling so bad. Now I’ve gained a little more self-awareness I will try to navigate this period in an attempt to avoid any negative impact on my life! I do love to let my feelings get the better of me. LOL.
Also, I need an exercise goal. The running made me feel surprisingly good. Not before, during, or immediately after – but I’d find myself feeling all ‘glowy’ a few times a week and a general happiness would wash over me. I suppose I can attribute this to the running so I’ll have to find me a good goal to work towards.
I’ve had a rough day of sleeping and binge-eating, but I’ve invited a friend over which should hopefully cheer me up, I’ve watched a bit of Bridget Jones which inspired me to get off my ass and sort my room, and I’m feeling like I’ll actually make it back to work tomorrow.
Here’s hoping for an undisturbed sleep, free from nightmares!!! Then it’ll be the best chance I have.